Sorry to Burst Your Vessel
by girlyghoul
Summary: Lucifer explains his reason for choosing Sam as his vessel while tormenting Cas & the Boys. Angst, Angel torture and very bad Karaoke... Oh My! A Song Parody Crack!Fic. Limp!Sam, Protective!Dean, Bullied!Castiel, Singing!Lucifer… Uhh, yeah, it’s weird…
1. Chapter 1

Summary- Lucifer's reason for choosing Sam as his vessel becomes clear.

Takes place after Season 5's "Free to Be You and Me"

Author's Note: This is just a parody and my personal take on exactly _why _Sam and Dean were chosen as vessels.

Disclaimer: I don't own these guys. I just offered them some Bacon Double Cheeseburgers and they were foolish enough to get in the car with me.

* * *

Chapter One-

It was Day 7 and Dean and Castiel were no closer to finding God.

After their encounter with Raphael had left Cas visibly shaken, Dean convinced his pal to let him take the reins in the search. Unfortunately, every lead the handsome hunter followed had turned out to be a bust.

The pair had stumbled upon several burritos bearing the face of Elvis Presley, a potato chip shaped like Tupac Shakur and a head of broccoli that greatly resembled an Off the Wall era Michael Jackson, but so far no sign of the Deity they were looking for.

"I have told you, Dean," the angel scolded, "God will not be found in any flat bread, snack treat or vegetable!"

"Well, I'm all out of ideas," Dean sulked, "If you and your winged buddies can't find Him... "

"I have faith that we will," Castiel said solemnly, "I do not believe Raphael is correct that He is dead, nor do I agree with Zachariah that He has 'left the building'. I believe my Father has a plan that has yet to become apparent to us. Besides, my brothers in their bitterness have forgotten that before the creation of humankind, one of my Father's favorite pastimes was Hide and Seek. He was very good at it, naturally. It sometimes took us several of what you call Millennia to find Him."

"Millennia," Dean snorted, "Well, that's just super duper!"

At that moment Dean felt his phone vibrating against his hip. He flipped it open to see his brother's caller I.D.

"Yeah, Sam," he said, and then paled before Castiel's eyes.

The angel cocked his head towards his friend, instantly concerned at the mounting panic he saw crossing the young man's face and the hysterical squawking he could hear coming from the other end of the phone.

"Whoa, whoa, slow down, Sammy!" Dean shouted into the mouthpiece, "Just calm down, kid! Tell me where you are!... Okay, hang tight, Bro, we're on our way!"

He flipped the phone shut and turned to Cas.

"My brother's in trouble, you gotta take me to him right now!" Dean demanded.

"You did not want me to transport you before," Castiel reminded Dean, "You said it had an adverse affect on your... bodily functions."

"None of that matters! Sammy needs me!" Dean insisted, "Besides, after all those Elvis burritos, this should actually even things out!"

Castiel nodded in agreement then touched his fingers to Dean's forehead immediately whisking them to Sam.

**************

The younger Winchester was staying in a flea bag motel just outside of Walla Walla. He had shoved every piece of furniture in front of the motel's door and stripped the beds bare using the mattresses and linens to cover up the windows.

When Dean and Castiel arrived, they found Sam curled in a fetal position in the far corner of the room, his broad shoulders shaking as he rocked back and forth.

Dean rushed over to his brother, kneeling down beside him and hovering protectively over the stricken man's trembling form.

"Holy Crap, Sam!" Dean gasped, brushing the unruly mass of sweat soaked hair away from his sibling's ashen face, "What's gotten into you? Please, tell me what's wrong!"

Sam looked up with swollen, bloodshot eyes full of pure terror. He reached forward and caught the front of Dean's shirt in a death grip pulling the older man even closer.

"It's Lucifer!" he whispered, sounding all of five years old, "He really really wants me to be his vessel! He... he won't take no for an answer! He won't leave me alone!"

Dean whipped his head towards Castiel beckoning the angel over to them.

"Sammy, you listen to me!" Dean said in a low growl, "Whatever that evil son of a bitch has been saying or doing, you can fight it! You're strong, Sam! You can resist him!"

"No, no! You don't understand!" Sam shook his head frantically, his eyes wide with fear, "You don't know the lengths that he'll go to! He won't give up! He won't let up 'til I say yes! I can't take much more of this, Dean! I can't! I... I just want it all to stop! Oh, God! Please make it stop!"

He collapsed against Dean's shoulder, sobbing into the fabric of his jacket.

Dean held his brother tight, rubbing soothing circles across his back as he looked to Castiel for support.

"Don't you worry, little brother," Dean said reassuringly, "Me and Cas are here now. No sorry ass fallen angel is gonna get to you on our watch! We'll protect you from that douche bag Lucifer, ain't that right Cas?"

Castiel frowned.

"Lucifer is very cunning, Dean. And Sam has always proven vulnerable to temptation."

Dean glowered at the angel. Castiel swallowed hard then knelt down beside the Winchesters, leaning against Sam and petting his hair.

"What I meant to say is that Dean and I are here to protect you from that feminine hygiene product known as Lucifer!"

"Thanks guys," Sam snuffled.

"So, you want some tissues there, Sammy?" Dean asked, "Or do you wanna just keep blowing snot onto my favorite jacket?"

"Sorry," Sam chuckled sheepishly and began to pull out of the embrace.

Suddenly his face froze in a mask of sheer panic. He scrambled back into the corner, his eyes wild and darting like a small animal catching a predator's scent.

Dean and Castiel watched in horror as Sam began to convulsively claw at his ears and beat his head against the wall. They hurried over to try and still the young man's frenzied movements before he could hurt himself or forfeit his security deposit by cracking the plaster.

"No, no, no!" Sam panted, practically hyperventilating, "Not again, not again! Make it stop!"

"Talk to us, Sammy!" Dean commanded, "What's going on? Is it Lucifer? Is he here?"

Sam only answered with a whimper, curling himself into a ball.

"He is here, Dean." Castiel confirmed, "I can sense my fallen brother's presence and I sense that he is about to…"

At once the angel's eyes grew wide. He wrapped his arms around Sam drawing the petrified human closer.

"No... no... he wouldn't! Oh, for the love of Heaven! Please no!" Castiel whispered hoarsely, his own body beginning to shake as badly as Sam's.

Dean felt his heart sink to his stomach as he studied the trembling pair before him. He rose to his feet and moved cautiously to the center of the room, his eyes instinctively falling upon the mattress barricaded windows.

He made a slight gesture with his finger mouthing "Out there?" to Castiel.

The angel nodded tightly before burying his face against Sam's shaggy mop of hair.

Swallowing hard, Dean walked several paces towards the windows. He had no weapon he could use against the Prince of Darkness himself, but his hand found its way to the knife in his belt all the same.

A sliver of sunlight was peeking through the tiny space between the mattresses, bathing the hardened hunter's face in an ominous red glow. Taking a deep breath he took a final step forward, frowning as he heard a strange, but oddly familiar sound echoing through the barricade.

"You guys hear that?" he murmured, "What the Hell is that?"

He glanced back to see his brother and friend clinging even more desperately to one another as the mysterious noise from outside grew louder. Dean's eyebrows shot up in alarm as recognition dawned on him.

"That isn't what I think it is, is it?" he asked, incredulously, "That isn't... Isn't that?... Is it...? Dudes! Is that... Peter Gabriel?!?"

In a single furious motion he shoved the heavy mattresses aside, nostrils flaring at the sight that welcomed him outside the windows.

There stood Lucifer, a sad, solitary figure on the lawn, holding a boom box high above his head... A boom box that was blasting out "In Your Eyes"!

*****


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2-

Dean stood gaping in horror.

"Is this what Lucifer has been up to all along, Sam?"

"Yes!" Sam wailed, clutching at Castiel's trench coat, "Every day!"

"That monster!" Dean seethed, "How could he subject you to such a tired pop culture cliché?"

"Dean," Castiel called out in a tremulous voice, "If I know my dark brother, this torment is only the beginning!"

As if to prove the angel's point, the haunting beauty of Peter Gabriel's vocals was suddenly replaced by a gruff and decidedly tone deaf voice.

"_In Sam's eyes_..." Lucifer sang out mournfully, "_I see the light and the heat...In Sam's eyes... I'll be complete...I want to touch the light the heat I see in Sam's eyes...In your eyes_!"

"Sonofabitch!" Dean felt his entire being quake with rage. "He's got a Karaoke machine!"

"And he.... won't stop... serenading me!" Sam broke down into convulsing sobs.

Before Dean could move to comfort his brother, he heard Lucifer's amplified voice echoing through the windows.

"That song was dedicated to a very special someone named Sam Winchester." Lucifer said with deep sincerity, "This next song... is also dedicated to Sam... "

The Prince of Darkness cleared his throat as he changed the tune on his machine.

"_I need you, like water, like breath, like rain... I need you since I broke free from Hell's gate!... I'll have freedom in your arms, Sam... They'll carry me through... I need you...._"

Sam and Castiel began to groan and writhe huddled in their corner while Dean collapsed to his knees, clasping his hands against his ears.

"It's horrible!" he cried out in agony, "It's like the second coming of William Hung!"

"Truly the Apocalypse is upon us," Castiel moaned, "Just as it was written... This is Hell on Earth!"

"I... I should just give in..." Sam said, miserably, "It's the only way to stop this madness!"

"No, don't even think like that, Sam!" Dean gasped out, crawling over to his brother, "No matter how bad this is... and oh, man is it bad... we can't let Lucifer win!"

"Don't you get it!" Sam whimpered, "I'm at the breaking point... He's... he's got this whole repertoire!"

"You really should let your brother make up his own mind, Dean!" Lucifer called out, "He knows his limits… and he knows this next song is one of my favorites…"

A long, baleful howl escaped Sam's lips and he was once more compelled to slam his head against the wall. Dean's eyes widened in terror as the tune changed again.

"No..." he shuddered, "Tell me that's not... "

"I'm afraid it is." Castiel said with empathetic tears streaming down his face, "It's… Barry Manilow!"

"_Oh, Sammy!" _Lucifer sang out_, "You broke the last seal and I'm grateful... 'Cause you set me free... Oh, Sammy... You came but you left without giving... A vessel to me... And I need you today... Oh, Sammy..._"

"AARRGGH!" Dean screamed, joining his brother in pounding his skull against the wall, "Castiel! What do we do? How do we stop him?"

Castiel shook his head in sorrow, pressing his arms against his ears.

"Once my brother gets on a roll, he can Karaoke for what you would call decades!"

"And you and the rest of your fine feathered friends just put up with it?" Dean asked incredulously.

"Let's just say it was not only for his pride and rebellion that he was cast out of Heaven!" the angel sniffled, "But now that he's escaped Hell there will be no end to the torture!"

"Yes there will," Sam declared, struggling to push past the others, "It's me that he wants! I just have to say 'yes' and it'll all be over!"

"No!" Dean clapped his hand over Sam's mouth as he and Castiel held the boy back, "You are not, under any circumstances, to give in to that bastard! You hear me, Sam? We are not angel condoms! We're not playing their sick game and nothing can make us!"

Lucifer gave an audible sigh over the microphone.

"I was really hoping it wouldn't have to come to this," he said earnestly, "But you leave me little choice..."

Sam made a pained gasp, his eyes rolling to their whites as he fell limp against Castiel. The angel's entire being began to quiver.

"Oh… no...no...no..." he stammered, "Please, Lucifer! I beg of you, Brother! Have mercy! Not... that!"

"What!" Dean barked, his insides twisting with dread.

There's was a thunderous rip as Castiel's wings erupted from his trench coat, flapping in a flurry of fear.

"Not the Grease Medley!" he shrieked.

"_Stranded at the Convent_..." Lucifer crooned, "_Lilith's blood in a pool... Me with no vessel... I looked a fool... Sammy! Can't you see? I'm in misery... Made a start... now we're apart... There's just Nick left for me... You have flown... I'm all alone... I sit, I wonder Why- -yi- -yi- - Oh why, you won't say yes to me... Oh, Sammy!... 'Cause you're the one that I want! WOO HOO HOO, Sammy!... The one that I want!... WOO HOO HOO!... The one I need... Oh yes indeed..._"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Dean bellowed, racing back to the window, "STOP! I'll do it! Take me, Lucifer! I'll be your angel condom! Just please, please stop!"

"That's very kind of you to offer," Lucifer blushed, "But it has to be Sammy... Besides, I don't know any songs that would work as well with 'Dean'."

"Oh, come on!" Dean scoffed, "'James Dean'... 'Jolene'... I mean, use your imagination, Lucy!"

"Only Sam can be my vessel, Dean," Lucifer said patiently, "He was chosen for this!"

"How?" Dean asked, "How was he chosen?"

"And why..." Sam moaned, weakly, "Why me?"

"It's your destiny, Sammy," Lucifer said, gently, "Here, I wrote a song about it..."

"NO!" Castiel said, with sudden fortitude.

He stood, a determined resolve coursing through his veins as he straightened his hair and tucked his wings back into his coat. He strode calmly to the window and looked out at his wicked brother.

"No more songs, no more charades, Lucifer!" Castiel spoke out courageously, "These boys deserve the whole truth! Tell them exactly how and why Sam was chosen!"

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Little Castiel all grown up and playing hardball with the big boys." Lucifer said in a tone dripping with malice, "I've had centuries upon centuries to think of new ways to torment you, Baby Brother!"

Castiel swallowed hard but held his ground even as Dean moved protectively in front of him.

"And yet... I find, you just can't go wrong with the Classics!"

In a blink of an eye, Lucifer was in the room, pouncing on Castiel and knocking him to the floor. The angel struggled and squirmed, but was no match for his evil sibling. Dean instantly rushed to his friend's aid, drawing the knife from his belt and stabbing Lucifer repeatedly. The weapon proved completely useless as the Prince of Darkness continued his assault on the helpless Castiel.

Cackling with devilish glee, he reached into the back of Castiel's trousers and deftly pulled the waistband of his underwear all the way over his head. The angel let out a yowl of pure agony. In terror, Dean fled from his friend's side to hide behind Sam.

"Oh, the one day I decide not to go commando!" Dean whimpered.

"That felt good!" Lucifer gloated, "But where was I? Oh, right!... Sam, you might as well face the facts and give in. There's no escaping your destiny. You are the chosen one!"

"Tell him why, Lucifer!" Castiel grunted, writhing in his painful bonds, "Tell him how his destiny was formed!"

And then Castiel fixed his brother with an icy glare, as deadly serious as any angel entrapped in a full blown wedgie could be.

"I triple dog dare you!" he glowered.

"Yeah, Lucifer!" Sam found himself gaining strength from Castiel's defiance, "What's the big deal? If you want me to go along with the whole destiny thing, you might as well tell me how it all began. Otherwise, I'll never say yes!"

The Prince of Darkness seemed to contemplate this for a long moment.

"Very well," he said, finally, "In fact, I'll show you..."

With a snap of his fingers, Lucifer transported the Winchesters deep into the past.

***


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3-

The brothers found themselves inside a very familiar Convent standing over the Gate that once held Lucifer trapped.

A man sporting a Member's Only jacket and a Flock of Seagulls hairdo entered the Convent and approached the Gate. As he knelt down, Sam and Dean saw his eyes flash yellow and recognized Azazel at once.

"I am here, Father," the demon said, "Please forgive my unfortunate appearance. The selection of meat suits in 1983 is… fashionably challenging."

"Never mind that," Lucifer said impatiently, "Did you find all of the children?"

"Yes, Father!" Azazel answered proudly, "I had to torch a few mommies along the way, but all the kids had their demonic V8! They'll be ready to serve your purpose when the time is right."

"Excellent! And now, I need to choose a vessel amongst their lot. Show me what these children will look like in 22 years."

Azazel brought forth a scrying mirror and held it over the Gate.

"Here's Ava Wilson," he said, conjuring the image of a pretty woman with mousy brown hair, "She's cute!"

"No girls!" Lucifer spat.

"Ok, buh bye, Lily then…" Azazel waved his hand over the mirror, "How about Max Miller?"

"Ummm... too pasty," Lucifer sneered, "I don't want to spend all of Armageddon having to slather on sunscreen everywhere I go."

"Something in a brunette perhaps... Andy Gallagher? Anson Weems? They're twins, ya know..."

"Those runts?" Lucifer scoffed, "Come on, son! I'm the Prince of Darkness! I've got to look fairly imposing when I walk the Earth. Didn't you dose any tall kids? I mean really tall! We're talking Big Foot sized, here! In fact, go back in time and drop some demon blood in Baby Wilt Chamberlain's mouth!"

"No need for all that, Father," the demon assured him, "I've got just the guy... Check out Jake Talley! Tall, strong... Just look at him in those combat fatigues! Talk about imposing!"

"Intriguing... I can most definitely see myself in him," Lucifer said, "But... what I really want more than anything is a six pack!"

"You... you want me to go get you some beer?" Azazel blinked in confusion.

"No, Dummy! A six pack! You know, washboard abs! A stomach you could bounce a quarter off! Is it too much to ask that I not have a flabby vessel?"

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Azazel chuckled, "Look no further, Father. This is Sam Winchester! Built like a prized Stallion, towers over the rest of the men in his family, and abs so rock hard you could grate cheese on them! That'll be fun, actually. You can make Nachos for all us demons after you destroy humanity!"

"Yes!" Lucifer beamed, "He's exquisite! He's magnificent! He's absolute perfection... except for the hair, I'm not feeling the hair. It's so all over the place... What is up with that?"

"Father, once you have your vessel, you can groom and dress him however you wish."

"Good point... But let's keep this Jake fellow and his nice Military cut on the back burner for just in case, umm, Kay?"

"Yes, Father!"

"Seen enough?" the present day Lucifer asked before snapping his fingers once more.

***


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4-

In a flash, the scene faded and the Winchesters were once again in the flea bag motel room with Castiel. The angel had managed to wriggle his way out of the wedgie in Lucifer's absence.

The brothers gaped at their dark nemesis, stunned at all he had just revealed to them. Sam wrapped his arms around his stomach self consciously as he noticed the fallen angel ogling him.

"So there you have it," Lucifer stated, "That's how you were chosen. That's why you're the one. Now come, Sam Winchester. Accept your destiny! Be my vessel!"

The Prince of Darkness held his hand out towards Sam.

"Hold up!" Dean snapped, "Are you kidding me with this? You chose Sam based solely on his looks?"

"As it was explained," Lucifer said testily, "I needed a vessel with an imposing figure. Your brother was the only one who fit the bill."

"That's not true!" Sam protested, "You had Jake on the back burner all along!"

"A mere technicality." Lucifer insisted, "It's just good practice to carry a spare. But you were always the pick of the litter, Sam. You should feel honored!"

"Because I'm tall and do a lot of sit ups and chest presses?" Sam scoffed, "What does that have to with you ruling the Earth?"

"Oh, and for the record!" Dean interjected, "Sam does not 'tower' over the other men in his family, ok? He's a couple inches taller than me! That's it! That is not 'towering'! And you can't actually grate cheese on his abs. Believe me, I've tried!"

"You did what!" Sam gasped, "Dean!"

Dean bowed his head in shame.

"It was late at night. The mini-mart was out of Nachos. I was desperate and you were just lying there asleep with your shirt flipped up… You never even woke up and it didn't work anyway so what's the problem?... I was drunk, Okay!"

"We'll talk about this later!" Sam hissed.

"Bottom line, Lucifer," Castiel spoke up, "Your choosing Sam as your vessel has absolutely nothing to do with his 'destiny' and everything to do with your vanity!"

"So?" Lucifer snorted, "What, I can't have a nice body when I overthrow human kind? I can't look good for all my minions? Give my victims a gorgeous vision to gaze upon as I crush the life out of them? What's so wrong about wanting to spread a little beauty throughout the World as I trample it under foot?"

"You haven't changed a bit, Brother." Castiel shook his head, "Thousands of years in Hell and you never learned your lesson. You're still full of Pride!"

"Oh, right!" Lucifer growled, "I'm the black sheep! I'm the prideful one! What about you, Cas? Have you looked in the mirror lately, little Bro? I'm so sure your vessel's wavy black locks and piercing blue eyes had nothing at all to do with why you chose him!"

"Jimmy Novack was chosen as my vessel because he was a righteous man who asked to be used in the service of the Lord," Castiel said indignantly, "There was no other reason than that!"

"Yeah, sure," Lucifer snickered, "And you didn't dance around singing 'I Feel Pretty' the instant he agreed to let you use his body!"

"Maybe just one verse…" Castiel reluctantly admitted.

"And what about our dear brother Michael, huh?" Lucifer went on, "Daddy's Golden Boy! Who did he just happen to pick for his vessel?"

With lightning quick reflexes, the Prince of Darkness reached out and captured Dean's face in his hand.

"This! This is Michael's vessel!" he shouted, cruelly pressing his finger tips into the young man's cheeks "Just look at these beautifully chiseled features! Note the supple skin, full pouty lips and high cheek bones… Breath taking, wouldn't you agree? And those eyes! Have you ever seen eyes so green and surrounded by such long lashes? Who could resist such a stunning mug? Certainly not Michael! Oh, no! He always has to be the prettiest angel ever! He even has better hair than my vessel! And I ask you, how is that not Pride?"

"I dunno, but you're really putting the bruise on Michael's vessel there, Buddy!" Dean gurgled, his lips smushed.

"So yes, I admit it," Lucifer finally let go of Dean as he strolled casually towards Sam, "I want to live loud and proud and strut around in a smokin' bod while all of humanity burns to ashes! And that's where you come in, Sammy…"

In a sudden rage the Prince of Darkness grabbed a fistful of Sam's chestnut locks pulling the startled man towards him.

"You're mine, Hot Stuff," the fallen angel snarled, "And once you give yourself over to me the first order of business is to head straight to the Barber Shop! I will not ride out the Apocalypse with such ridiculous hair!"

"No! Never!" Sam shouted, struggling in Lucifer's grasp, "I'll never give into you… or let you cut my hair!

"Oh, but you will," Lucifer chuckled and then to the horror of everyone present began to sing, "_See the pyramids along the Nile… Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle… Just remember, Sammy all the while… You belong to me_!"

"DEAN!" Sam cried out in a panic.

Dean could only watch helplessly as his brother writhed in agony, knowing he was powerless to stop Lucifer's vocal assault. Just as the older Winchester was about to give into despair and fall into a blubbering heap, Castiel caught his eye giving him a reassuring wink.

Dean's heart surged with hope as he glanced down and noticed the blood dripping through the angel's fingers. During Lucifer's boastful speechifying, Castiel had taken the opportunity to paint an Angel Banishment Sigil on the wall behind him!

"Hey, Lucifer!" the angel called out, triumphantly, "Smell ya later, Big Brother!"

The Prince of Darkness barely had time to turn around before Castiel pressed his bloody palm onto the Sigil.

"NOOO!" Lucifer roared as a flash of blinding white light struck him full in the face, "Your ass is mine, Cas!"

And then he was gone, taking his hateful Karaoke machine with him.

Sam dropped to his knees, gasping for breath. Dean was at his side in an instant.

"You okay, Sammy?" he asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Sam answered, checking his hair, "You?"

"I'll live," Dean worked his jaw, rubbing at his cheeks, "Cas, you saved us!"

"For now," Castiel shrugged, "But Lucifer will be back. It's only a matter of time."

"And he'll have that Karaoke machine with him," Sam shivered.

"Maybe so," Dean said, frowning, "But I now know how we can stop him. I'm warning you though, it won't be pretty!"

Sam and Castiel exchanged a nervous glance.

***


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5-

It took several months of searching but at last Lucifer discovered Castiel's whereabouts. He knew once he located his brother that Sam and Dean would be found close by. And if not… well, he had ways to make the brat talk.

The angel was sitting on a secluded beach, peacefully building an elaborate castle in the sand. Lucifer snorted with contempt noting that his pathetic dork of a brother still wore his trench coat and business suit even under the hot tropical sun.

The beach was deserted with the exception of a leather skinned sunbather sound asleep on a towel and a disheveled homeless man picking his way through the remains of Kripsy Kreme box. There was no one who would intervene as he confronted Castiel.

The Prince of Darkness walked over to his sibling, taking great satisfaction in destroying the angel's handiwork as he kicked the castle into the younger being's face.

"Hello, Lucifer," Castiel sighed, spitting sand from his mouth.

"Hello, yourself," Lucifer smirked grabbing Castiel's tie and pulling him forward, "Where are the Winchesters?"

"You know I won't tell you," Castiel said calmly.

"Are you really that much of a fool, Little Brother?" the fallen angel tsked, "You are going to tell me or I am going to hurt you very much… Either way it's a fun day at the beach for Lucifer!"

"I'm not afraid of you," Castiel insisted, "I've endured your torments before. Your singing… while excruciating… will not break me. And as for your other favorite method of torture, the joke's on you… I'm not wearing underpants!"

"What a shame," Lucifer sighed, "Karaoke and wedgies? That was my way of showing you mercy. Now you will know the true meaning of suffering!"

Without warning, Lucifer leapt over the ruins of the castle and tackled Castiel to the ground, pinning his arms against the rough sand. His face hovered directly over the angel's and a wicked smile crossed his lips as he saw the fear that flickered in his brother's defiant eyes.

And then he did the unthinkable. He let a huge glob of spittle drip from his mouth in a long trail that dangled inches from Castiel's face, sucking it up at the last possible second before it could splash down.

"I want my vessel, Castiel! Now you tell me where Sam is," he demanded, "Or the next one won't be a take back!"

"No!" Castiel cried, tossing his head from side to side, "I'll never tell and you'll never have the vessel you want!"

"Very well," Lucifer said, "You asked for it, Little Bro. It's super soaker time!"

The Prince of Darkness glared down at the angel, working up a mouthful of saliva. It oozed forth in a slow stream that glistened in the sunlight. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut tight, bracing himself to be bathed in Satan slobber.

Suddenly, two sets of hands were grabbing Lucifer's arms, pulling him away from his victim just as the drool broke free and splattered down the front of his own shirt. As Castiel rolled away to safety, Lucifer whipped his head around to see that the sunbather and the homeless guy had come to the angel's aid.

"Leave him alone you big bully!" the beach bum growled in Lucifer's ear.

"Foolish mortals!" Lucifer spat, "You have no idea who you're dealing with!"

"Oh, yes we do," the sun worshipper said, "Lucifer!"

The fallen angel frowned, recognizing the voice.

He turned to take a closer look at his captor. The man's face was overly tanned to an unpleasant terra-cotta hue. His sun beaten skin was craggy and raw as were his lips that stood out puffy and chapped. Deep wrinkles lined his mouth and brow. But, even surrounded as they were by crow's feet and dark baggy circles, there was no mistaking those green, green eyes.

"Dean!" Lucifer gasped, "Dean Winchester? What happened to you?"

"The same thing that would happen to anyone who spent all day lying out in the sun and slept all night in a tanning booth for five months straight," Dean shrugged.

Lucifer cackled with glee.

"And to think! You were Michael's first and only choice! HA HA! Looks like I'll be the prettiest angel after all! Now tell me, Leather Face, where is that handsome brother of yours?"

"I'm right here, Dum-Dum!" the other man said.

Lucifer whirled around to face the man he had taken for a homeless derelict. The man stood towering over him, a faint smirk barely visible through the massive unkempt beard covering his face. His long hair was thickly matted, hanging limp and unwashed over his eyes. His posture was slouched and unimposing and he had apparently picked up the habit of biting his fingernails down to the quick. A detail the Prince of Darkness noted as the man's hands reached down his stained and threadbare shirt to scratch at his plump rounded belly.

"S…Sam?!?" Lucifer gawked at the unsightly figure before him, "What is wrong with you! You… you look… pregnant!"

"Me? Pregnant? Of course not!" Sam chortled, "I did, however, recently adopt a baby… A baby squirrel that is. Little fellow nested in my hair one night and I decided to keep him!"

"He rocks!" Dean said, beaming like a proud uncle, "We named him Ozzy!"

"I…I don't understand…" the fallen angel said, dumbfounded, "How could you just let yourself go like this?"

"I dunno," Sam belched, idly scratching at his armpits, "After our last meeting I developed a deep aversion to sit-ups and a deep appreciation for jelly donuts!"

To prove his point, he reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a slightly flattened Krispy Kreme. He took a bite, savoring the morsel even as a glob of jelly squirted out the donut's backside and became hopelessly lodged in his beard.

"Now…" Sam spoke around a mouthful of sugared pastry, "You were saying something about me being your vessel… And I'm thinking, sure, what the heck, why not? Come and get it! Prime Grade "A" Beefcake right here! All I ask is that you not evict Ozzy!"

Lucifer backed away as a faint chittering sound came from Sam's head.

"No thanks!" Lucifer spat.

"Aww, come on!" Sam mock pouted, then sang out, "_Don't you want me, Lucy? Don't you want me, Ohhhh Ohhhh Ohhhhh.._."

"That's not even remotely amusing," Lucifer said sourly.

"Too bad your Big Bro Michael already called dibs on this gorgeous mug o' mine!" Dean stated, his face actually creaking as he smiled and began to sing, "_'Cause dontcha wish your vessel was hot like me! Dontcha wish your vessel was a stud like me_!"

"Damn you Winchesters!" Lucifer seethed, "Now I'm back to square one!"

"You still have Nick," Castiel pointed out.

"Are you kidding me?" Lucifer scoffed, "I'm not riding out Armageddon in a Joe Average vessel! No way! Forget it! I'm calling off the Apocalypse and heading back to Hell where I'll be appreciated!"

He stomped his foot and at once a fissure opened beneath the Earth. The ground began to shake as a burst of molten lava erupted forth raining down onto the beach into a flaming lake that steamed and sizzled as it met the ocean waves.

The Prince of Darkness marched forward towards the lake, but not before extending a one fingered salute to the Winchesters and dumping an entire bucket of sand down the front of Castiel's trousers. And with that, he took a running leap forward and dove into the fiery abyss with an impressive triple twist somersault.

Moments later the fissure closed and the beach was restored to its former glory, with only Castiel's wrecked castle and sandy britches evidence of the Lucifer's presence.

"Is… is it really over?" Sam gasped.

"Yes," Castiel uttered in obvious discomfort, shaking sand out of his pants legs, "Lucifer is back where he belongs!"

"We did it!" Dean cheered, grabbing his brother and friend in a group hug, "Eww! Cas, you're all gritty... And you smell, Sam… and you're sticky… and squishy! And you look like Sasquatch now more than ever!"

"And you look like a slab of beef jerky," Sam cringed, "But I guess it was all worth it to get Lucifer off our backs and stop the Apocalypse. So what do we do now? Go back to hunting?"

"No, now we hit the gym!" Dean stated emphatically, "Boot camp Cardio for you, exfoliating steam showers for me! And we'll get some clean pants for Castiel and find a new home for Ozzy along the way."

"Are you sure Dean?" Sam asked, "I mean not about Castiel or Ozzy, but about us. Shouldn't we stay like this so no angels will want us?"

"Hells to the NO, Sam!" Dean scoffed, "No women will want us either! We gotta get our looks back, kiddo. I mean, let's face it, our personalities aren't that great."

"This is true," Sam nodded, shaking squirrel droppings out of his hair.

"Ok, Mr. Sandman," Dean addressed Castiel, "Zap yourself to the nearest health spa and we'll meet you there later. 'Cause I love ya, buddy. But no way are you riding in the Impala with that sandy ass of yours!"

"I understand, Dean" Castiel said, vanishing with a flutter of wings as another pile of sand dropped to the ground in his wake.

"Ready to hit the road, Bro?"

Dean cocked his head towards Sam who was staring transfixed at his burgeoning gut.

"Why are you contemplating your navel?" he asked, "We're gonna take care of that, Sammy. Come on, you can start doing crunches in the car."

"It's not that," Sam said, still staring, "Dude… doesn't this jelly stain look just like a 'Dangerous' era Michael Jackson?"

"It does…" Dean admitted with awe.

Dean wasn't sure what to make of this latest discovery.

Truth be told, he'd had his fill of signs and omens for one lifetime. The only thing he knew for certain was that a nice long nap out of the sun, a relaxing spa retreat with his brother and an intensive chemical peel all sounded pretty damn good right about now. He'd let someone else worry about any messages or miracles for the time being.

But if they happened to stumble upon another Elvis burrito along their journey, he supposed he could live with that.

THE END

**Castiel says every time a Review is left, an Angel gets his wings! :-)! Even though this is an older story, I'd still love to hear what you think! Feedback is always greatly appreciated and I'm very good at replying to reviewers. Met a lot of lovely people that way!**


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